Day 183 & 184 - Wednesday & Thursday...monologuing...oops!!

No one follows this blog I would imagine....or at least I can't see why anyone would car much. I'm not that interesting and the subject of continual calories and weight loss...or not, is surely not that interesting either. But wither way, I feel a little perturbed by my continual yo-yo lack of self-control. I guess it really is all in the way we view things and how we feel, literally on the inside - how our bodies are responding to how we treat them, and in our minds - how we feel about how we look or feel physically. Some days, I'm pumped and I feel pretty great in my head about the physical me. And some days I'm just so dissatisfied, and then get really angry that I am so easily swayed by the taste of food itself, people I spend time with, my situations daily, and my emotional state.

I eat because I "deserve" to make my mouth happy, especially, if I am tired, or REALLY hungry r upset.

I eat because when I am hanging out with students, ice cream and candy, and pizza, Chikfile, cheap McDonald's and all other less healthy alternatives, are easy, and fun, and I am happy and excited, so I disregard what I am putting in my body.

I eat poorer (esp. take out or fast food) when I don't have the ability or desire to make food at home.

And for lots of other reasons I eat....


My mom says I really shouldn't worry...I'm not "overweight." And maybe God wants me to be this way.

.....And she is right. I'm not overweight. Many folks would love to be my size: 9/10. With a smaller waist and hips to give me a fairly hour glass shape. And, I know I'm never gonna have that flat stomach, I mean....I was covering up the belly even when I was 6 years old, trying to hide it. But can't it be shaved off a little?

The trouble is...where does my desire to be thinner and stronger, and more molded into that curvy, hot, Scarlett Johansson bod, and the contentment that I am God's perfect creation, and there really are more important things out there than simply being thinner and more fit, mesh together. (And when will I learn that i can't trust the Spanx-toting, Kale juice-drinking, never-eat-a-dessert-or-I-might-gain-an-ounce-of-perfectly-normal-fat-to-regulate-normal-body-functions Hollywood....

I don't think I can have "the look" and not have to work very, extremely, brutally hard. But thus far...I feel like I've proven to myself I don't have one shred of self-control in my body. And that's a little discouraging. As noted by my caloric intake for the past two days:

Wednesday: a possible 1745 (I think, maybe 1845) no exercise. I am taking a class Saturday to make up for it.

Thursday: a proposed out of control 2428. Took Body Step. Probably burned 200-400 calories. I need to get a heart rate monitor so I can know.

Considering my goal is 1500...this is disappointing. AND considering I was 141/142 when I began this journey (well...146 but then got back down to that stability weight) and now am struggling to get back there from 148/149, I can't decide if I am really really pissed off at myself, or really really sad that i am back up in weight. I know I was experimenting with my diet, for a while and was eating around 1900-2000 calories, so it stands to reason, that I would have gained weight. And it's not the weight thing alone. I can tell in how my stomach is feeling and fitting that I'm not getting leaner. But that's the funny thing...my butt surely different in look, and my legs, as well. Both have gained more muscle. But I'm struggling to see the "lean" look I want. :-(

And IT'S THE HOLIDAYS almost. And now I am really trying to get back down. I'm glad as far as health is concerned I am better than when I started this life change. I usually eat more fruit and begetables. I drink WAY more water than I used to. And I exercise pretty regularly 5 times a week. And I have even increased my exercise from when I started. Phase 1: 3 a week swims. Phase 2: 4 a week swims Phase 3: Body Pump once a week and 2 or 3 swims Phase 4: Body Pump twice a week and 2 or 3 swims Phase 5: BP 2 times a week and 3-5 30 minute cardio workouts Phase 6: Pump twice a week, and 3 hour long cardio workouts. My next phase is to get some cardio in on the days I do Body Pump. And the next phase get extra 30 minute workouts on Saturday and Sunday. My knees have to work up to this still.

So I went from 3 15-20 minute swims a week, to 2 hour long weight lifting sessions which also get my heart rate up and 3 hour long cardio sessions. I guess that's pretty good...?

Anyway, I am still tottering between emotions. I'm sad that I just don't think I have what it takes to be disciplined. But I know I can't get sad enough to quit trying. That's horrible. I guess this is where the blog helps. AT least I can get it all out and admit how horrible and dissapointed I am about myself and my own will to change enough that I won't give up. I'll just express it and keep moving forward.

I think the other sad things is that I've had numerous compliments. Even a couple people say i look like I'm thinner in my stomach. But even that isn't encouraging me!! I have one of those bodies that can easily be made to look thinner or fatter. I just have to wear the right clothes. And let's be honest, I was taught since I was little how to suck the gut in...so I never really let it hang out, haha. There have been lots of times (seriously a lot!!) in the past years that I have visited home and people say "have you lost weight??" and usually I haven't lost any weight at all. So....I'm trying to stay positive about those compliments. But...whine...whine...whine....that's all I'm doing right?? Dang it.

I commit that today I will stay at 1500 calories. And my commitment to myself, and the blog for today will keep me accountable. HA! No quitting allowed, dang it.